Daily demands, expectations, and the pull to prioritize others’ needs often lead to self-abandonment. You may be unsure of who you are, what you want, your boundaries, or how you want to show up in relationships. Or, you might be used to the idea that it’s your job to always put others first. Over time, this disconnection from yourself can become a habit that shapes your life and relationships. If you’ve found yourself here, please know that you’re not alone. Many women feel disconnected from themselves at some point in their lives and need support to find a way back. 

What is Self Abandonment?

Self-abandonment occurs when you lose touch with your own needs, emotions, and identity. It’s not always a conscious choice. It’s often a response to societal expectations, pressure from friends or a loved one, or inner fears. For many women, self-abandonment begins early. It’s celebrated and reinforced as girls and teens grow up.

Common Causes of Self Abandonment

Cultural Conditioning

Cultural conditioning plays a significant role in shaping how we as women relate to ourselves. From a young age, many of us were taught that our value lies in our ability to nurture, care for others, and keep the peace in our families and other relationships. These messages come through family expectations, media portrayals, and societal norms. Over time, this conditioning can lead to internalized beliefs that prioritizing personal needs is selfish or unacceptable. As a result, you may find yourself ignoring your desires and enduring pain or discomfort to please others or live up to certain standards.

Emotional Labor

This refers to the often invisible work of managing emotions—both our own and those of others. For many women, this means being the emotional anchor in relationships, ensuring that everyone around them feels supported and understood. This responsibility can be exhausting, leaving little time or energy for self-reflection. Over time, the constant focus on others’ emotions can make it more difficult to recognize and honor your own feelings. You feel out of touch with yourself, further contributing to self-abandonment.

Perfectionism

The drive to be perfect in all areas of life can be a major factor in self-abandonment. Whether it’s excelling at work, maintaining a put-together home, or being the perfect partner or parent, the pressure to “do it all” leaves little room for rest or self-compassion. Perfectionism often stems from underlying fears, beliefs, or experiences, such as a fear of inadequacy, a desire to be loved, or a history of trauma. When you spend years striving to meet unrealistic standards, it’s not uncommon to lose touch with your authentic self. Your focus has been on what others want or expect for so long, it’s difficult to turn your attention to what you want out of life. 

Fear of Conflict

Conflict can feel threatening, especially for those of us who have been conditioned to prioritize harmony and avoid confrontation. Many women suppress their feelings, desires, or boundaries to keep the peace, fearing that expressing themselves might lead to rejection or discord. Over time, this pattern of avoiding conflict reinforces self-abandonment, because it requires constantly silencing your inner voice and needs. 

Signs of Self-Abandonment

Recognizing self-abandonment is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self. Some common indicators include:

• Feeling disconnected from your emotions or body.
  • Example: You’re at a friend’s party and feel uneasy, but when someone asks how you’re doing, you automatically say, “I’m fine” without pausing to check in with yourself. Later, you notice a tension headache but can’t pinpoint why you’re upset or what triggered it.
• Consistently putting others’ needs before your own.
  • Example: You agree to stay late at work to help a colleague, even though you had planned to leave early to take care of something important for yourself. You convince yourself it’s “not a big deal,” but this pattern keeps happening, leaving you feeling resentful and exhausted.
• Struggling to identify your needs, wants, goals, or boundaries.
  • Example: When a friend asks, “What do you feel like doing this weekend?” you genuinely have no idea. Instead of reflecting on what might bring you joy or relaxation, you reply, “Whatever you want is fine with me.”
• Experiencing burnout or chronic fatigue from overextending yourself.
  • Example: At work, you struggle to concentrate on basic tasks and feel irritable with coworkers. At home, you’re too drained to cook or engage with your family, collapsing onto the couch only to feel guilty for not doing more.
• Suppressing your voice in relationships to avoid conflict.
  • Example: Your partner makes a joke at your expense in front of friends, and it hurts your feelings. Instead of addressing it, you laugh along to avoid tension. Later, you feel a mix of anger and sadness but tell yourself it’s not worth bringing up.

Reclaiming Your Sense of Self

The journey back to yourself doesn’t require isolation or drastic changes. Instead, it’s about cultivating practices that nurture your connection to your inner world. One powerful approach is learning to yield—a concept rooted in BODY-MIND CENTERING®. Yielding allows you to connect with others without losing touch with yourself.

What Does It Mean to Yield?

Yielding invites you to engage with the world while remaining anchored in your own experience. At its core, yielding is about finding balance—it’s the practice of staying connected to yourself while also being open to others. Think of it as the opposite of either shutting down or stretching yourself too thin to meet others’ expectations. Instead, yielding encourages you to take up space in a way that feels true to who you are. 

It’s a way to maintain your sense of self, even in moments of stress, pressure, or connection. By practicing yielding, you can show up authentically and with confidence, offering the world your real self without fear of losing yourself in the process.

Examples of Yielding

1. Pausing to Check-In: During a conversation, take a moment to notice how you’re feeling. Are you speaking from a place of authenticity, or are you saying what you think the other person wants to hear? Adjust as needed to stay true to yourself.
   
2. Grounding in Your Body: Before stepping into a challenging situation, such as a meeting or a family gathering, focus on your breath or feel the sensation of your feet on the ground. This physical connection can help anchor you in the present moment.
   
3. Setting Boundaries: If you feel overwhelmed by someone else’s demands, practice saying, “I need a moment to think about this” or “I can’t commit to that right now.” Yielding isn’t about pushing others away but about preserving your energy and clarity.
   
4. Balancing Input and Output: During a group discussion, notice if you’re over-explaining or staying completely silent. Aim for a middle ground where you contribute meaningfully without overextending.
   
5. Reflecting Before Reacting: When someone asks for your help, pause to consider if you truly have the capacity to assist. Yielding allows you to say no gracefully when needed, without guilt or resentment.
   
6. Engaging in Shared Activities: Whether it’s cooking with a partner or playing with your child, focus on the shared experience while staying aware of your own emotions and sensations. This fosters genuine connection without losing yourself in the moment.
   
7. Using Affirmations: Remind yourself, “I can be present with others while staying connected to myself.” This mental cue can help you practice yielding in everyday interactions.
   
8. Practicing Self-Compassion: If you catch yourself slipping into old patterns of self-abandonment, acknowledge it without judgment. Reconnect with yourself by taking a few deep breaths or journaling about how you’re feeling.

How Therapy Can Help Heal Self-Abandonment?

Therapy offers a supportive space to explore the patterns and beliefs that contribute to self-abandonment. Working with a skilled therapist can help you:

• Understand Your Patterns: A therapist can help you identify where and how self-abandonment shows up in your life. Through guided exploration, you can uncover the cultural, relational, or personal factors that have shaped these habits.
  
• Reconnect with Your Needs and Emotions: Therapy provides tools and practices to help you tune into your inner world. By learning to recognize and honor your feelings, you can begin to rebuild a relationship with yourself.
  
• Develop Healthy Boundaries: A key aspect of overcoming self-abandonment is learning to set and maintain boundaries. Therapy can teach you how to communicate your needs effectively and assertively, creating space for your authentic self to thrive.
  
• Build Self-Compassion: Many women struggling with self-abandonment are also highly self-critical. Therapy gives you a safe space to practice giving yourself self-compassion and helping you replace judgment with kindness and understanding.
  
• Foster Authentic Relationships: As you heal from self-abandonment, your relationships can transform. Therapy supports you in building connections that honor your individuality and foster mutual respect and understanding.
  
• Practice Yielding: Your therapist can help you explore what it means to stay connected to yourself in relationships. Therapy can provide personalized strategies for balancing self-awareness and connection and help you recognize and navigate moments of self-abandonment. 

Let’s Rewrite the Narrative of Self-Abandonment

Self-abandonment doesn’t have to define your story. By cultivating practices that nurture self-awareness and connection, you can rediscover who you are and what you want out of life and your relationships. Reclaiming yourself isn’t about perfection—it’s about practicing tuning into yourself to check in and ask what you need. As you strengthen this skill, you’ll be able to show up more for yourself in your relationships and daily life.

Find the Support You Need | Therapy in Fresno, California

I’ve supported many women in Fresno and beyond as they’ve moved away from self-abandonment and towards themselves. Spiral and Bloom was established to nurture and care for women as they learn to do so for themselves.  

In our work together, I’ll use a holistic approach to help you reconnect with yourself while finding balance in your relationships. If you’re searching for compassionate therapy in California, please reach out for a free consultation.

Sources

National Alliance on Mental Illness. “Are You a Chronic Self-Abandoner?” NAMI, April 30, 2018. Accessed January 10, 2025.